Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Angst Is My Middle Name
Summary: Ron reflects on his recent experiences at Number 12, Grimmauld Place and his love of Hermione. Rated to be on the safe side.


**_Disclaimer: The great and wonderful joy of owning these characters belongs only to J.K. Rowling. The lyrics are Kelly Clarkson's._**

**_This idea came to me on the way to one of my high school's football games. We were in the car in traffic, and this song came on. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that it would be a good idea for fanfic. Sorry if Ron sounds uber-emo, but I thought it fit well with the lyrics. _**

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She'd been missing for a while, and no one was more worried than me. I sat up all night, crying, yelling, muttering to myself. On occasion, I'd cry hard enough to make myself throw up. After a month, she was left in the park nearby. She was a mess: covered in blood, bruises, scrapes, and dirt. Once we got her inside Number 12, she broke down, sobbing and shaking. We all asked how she got away, but she only cried harder. Lupin had to give her a Calming Draught before she could talk.

"It was awful. There were a bunch of people already held captive. When I got there, someone came out to get me and put me by myself. It was Blaise, and he told me that if I did what he said, he'd let people go, but only if I did what he said! And-and th-then he t-told me th-that I had to… I had to… I had to have sex with him!"

She had become quite hysterical again, yet I did not comfort her. I could feel anger rising in my chest. I knew that it was not her that I should be upset with, but there were few people around to be angry at. I felt horrible that I was mad while she was so upset, yet I couldn't hold back what I felt. She had been a sort of goddess, a modern Athena. Now… she was… defiled… impure. Before I could stop myself, I was shouting at her, asking her how she could have done such an awful thing, cursing at her.

There were tears streaming down my face, my throat was in pain from my screaming. She looked up at me with those brown eyes, and I realised that I had hurt her. I knew I stopped screaming. I found myself repeating "I'm sorry" over and over, in a grim mantra. Sobs wracked my body. Thankfully, no one chastised me for my behaviour because I had "been under undue stress". (That's what Lupin said, anyway.) I was forgiven wholly by everyone, even her. But then, _she_ did something that _I_ could _not_ forgive.

I had just walked back from the loo around dinnertime, and I saw them. She and George. _Kissing_. It started again. I screamed; she cried. I cried, too. My stomach was churning. I turned and left, running for the bathroom, and locked myself in. I'm assuming that you could hear my weeping throughout most of the house. After several minutes, there was an awful taste in my mouth. I turned toward the toilet and threw up. I raged well past midnight, screaming and sobbing at no one at all, only making myself sick until I had completely emptied my stomach. Even then, I continued to heave, bringing up bile. I think I passed out.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the room I shared with Harry. He was sitting beside me, asleep in a chair, his head lolling to one side. I wondered why there was an awful taste in my mouth, why my stomach was rumbling so loud. The previous night's event's washed over me. Tears sprang to my eyes before I could stop them, rolling down my cheeks. I reached out and touched his arm. He twitched and opened his eyes slowly, shaking off the sleep quickly when he realised I was awake.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, "What happened last night?"

"After dinner. I was coming back from the bathroom, and I heard something. I looked around… around the corner. She was _kissing George_, Harry! _Kissing_ him! I was so _thankful_ to have her back, be able to just… just _see_ her again, and she kisses _him_! I kept myself up all night sometimes worrying about her! And this is how she thanks me!"

I was shouting by now, the look of pity in Harry's eyes egging me on, but I calmed down soon enough. The sobs were coming back.

"All I ever did was love her," I said quietly, "She's the only one. I-I loved her s-so much, Harry. A-and… I… I-I…"

Sobs overcame me again, and I could no longer speak. I felt Harry put his arm around me; I scrambled to grab hold of his shirt. One of his hands rubbed my back while the other stroked my hair, trying to calm me down. (At least I was better than the night before.) It took me several minutes to calm down, but I still didn't let go of Harry. He was the only person I could cling to now, the only one I _knew_ wouldn't betray me. He consented to my clinging for several more minutes before asking if I would like some breakfast. I gave a small chuckle and smirked. (Of course I did; I'm always hungry!)

But _she _there. I almost lost my appetite again. _She_ saw me and immediately excused herself from the table and went upstairs. My appetite came back. I resolved myself to ignoring her completely; _she_ was a stranger to me, no more worthy of my attention than someone I would pass on the street. We never spoke in the halls or at the dinner table or anywhere; not even a simple "hello" passed between us. I hated her with every fibre of my being, yet I sensed that _she_ still loved me. I could feel her mournful eyes on me at every meal, burning into me. _She _wanted me back, but _I_ wouldn't have her.

_ She_ followed me with her eyes everywhere that I went, until the final moments of her life. The Great Battle finally came, with all the awful things we anticipated. So much death, blood, hate, sadness. Everyone was involved in a battle with a Death Eater. People fell dead or wounded all over the ground, teens and adults alike. No one was safe. Not even her. I found her, dead, on the shore of the lake after Harry defeated Voldemort. It was then, sadly, that I realised I had loved her. I never hated her. The familiar burning in my throat and pricks in my eyes were returning. Tears blurred my vision. I soon found myself crying loudly again. They had to use two men to restrain me when they took her body away; I was hysterical. They took away my love.

That is why I write this letter. Whoever finds this must share it, first with Harry Potter, then my family, then with whomever they wish. The loss of Hermione Granger is too much for me to bear for the many years I would live under normal circumstances. Harry… I know that this will hurt you, and for that I am so, _so _sorry. You're like a brother to me, and I love you. Help out Mum, please. She'll need some support, and I think you could give it to her. Please, forgive me, to whomever finds this first. Forgive me.

_** Ronald Weasley **_

Ron smiled through his tears as he finished his letter. The light of his candle glinted through the Sleeping Draught, enticing him. He downed the whole bottle and felt perfect bliss.

_

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_

Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces,

_Can't deny it, Can't pretend, Just thought you were the One_

_Broken up, Deep inside, but you don't get to see the tears I've cried._

_Behind These Hazel Eyes_


End file.
